You

My whole world with you is so fragile.

Moves are limited to either A or B, if any options are permitted at all.

Our situation forbids us from being even the slightest bit affectionate unless the curtains are drawn.

I am to be hidden from your world, as you are to be hidden from mine.

Except, not quite, though you don't know that.

I wish you could tell me how you really feel, but you'll never tell me - because thats not our deal.

Sometimes, though, I feel like you're not actually interested in me.

But I mean, it's almost foolish of me to think that you actually could be.

Think about it: a sixteen year old girl, still in high school, young, still childish.

What could you possibly want with that?

Albeit my maturity level being basically commensurate with yours, my age is still a factor whether people claim it is or isn't.
I get emotionally attached, and I think I like you.

You're breaking me so slowly and you haven't got the slightest clue.

But when I'm with you I just feel like I'm myself.

Or maybe I don't, we'll see.

New mindset

What do you want from me?

Do you want to hear me say that I'm insecure? Do you want me to show you that I'm desperate for your attention?

Why is it that people take so much pleasure in holding power over others? How does it benefit us in the end?

Other peoples' misery at our expense is definitely not something to be proud of.

So why do people allow themselves to be taken advantage of, and to be shown so little respect?

I don't understand why people are so trusting, to the point where they show all their cards and allow other's in so easily.

It's a dangerous thing, trusting people to take care of your secrets. Putting the hammer in their hands, but trusting them not to use it on your fragile heart. Trusting them to only help you, and to never harm you.

But the trouble with trust and showing someone all of you, is that 98% of the time, it bites you in the ass. Majority of the time you get double crossed or betrayed, or the value of the most honest version of yourself is undermined. Thats when people get hurt, and feel broken or weak. I won't ever show anyone all of me. It's too risky, and I know better. In this case, the odds are never in your favor - because there are so many shallow, rotten people out there. If you really want to be happy, keep the fragile parts to yourself. By sharing them, and allowing people in, you will feel relief, however in the end when they betray you and use this knowledge against you, all you will feel is regret and pain when they aren't the person you expected them to be. It is most people's nature to use the things they know will hurt you, against you. Regardless of how much they know you were risking by giving them that part of you.

I'm rambling here, but long story short - Don't ever show all your cards.

Your scent is like a drug

I hate when you can smell someone on you, but you don't know where.

And the smell is so wonderful, but it only whiffs by once you stop looking for it, once you stop thinking about it - it comes back and teases you with just a single sniff more.

Then it disappears again.

And the smell is so stimulating, so intoxicating, but there isn't enough of it for you to get high.

But you know that if you had that smell at it's source, it would make you crazy.

But not having it makes you crazy, too.

And all you want to do is inhale it for a few moments, to just embrace it for a little while, but you can't because it doesn't belong to you.

You still have no idea where this smell is coming from, but you keep smelling it each time you nearly forget about it. It reminds you that you will never be able to have it in your grasp, leaving with only a single whiff once again.

Your smell is so fucking intoxicating.

And you've got me wrapped around your fucking finger.

And I'm falling for you in slow motion.

But I'm just a friend to you.

I fucking hate myself sometimes, god damnit.

I am so tired of being compared to other people.

Comparison gets us no where, and teaches us nothing.

Every one is different, and no one should be judged compared to someone else.

I'm not a naturally skilled driver.

And yeah, I make mistakes. I fuck up, and I'm not denying it.

Whatever actually I thought I wanted to blog about it but I guess not now it's just pissing me off.

Fiction #2

Now for me, this was a turning point.

Something had led me to realize that, in that moment, I could trust her.

All I had to do was declare my loyalty, and I just knew she would be there forever.

It's like when you're terrified to do something, like say, jump off a high ledge into the ocean. At first you're hesitant because you're thinking of all the possible ways the situation could turn out badly. But it's once you finally stop thinking when you're able to take the leap and live for all of those 2 seconds you're free falling.

That feeling of satisfaction and trust you have in yourself, because of that relief that you're still alive and breathing - that's the feeling I had when I decided I could trust her.

Except, I looked at her with admiration and infatuation and she looked at me with compassion and pity.

To her, I was just a poor soul in need of her support.

But to me, she was a fallen star sent to me to help me find my way back to the person I once was.

Fiction

We walked down to the cafeteria in silence.

We sat down on an empty table in silence.

It was almost strange, because here, the cafeteria in the morning is really a peaceful place to be.

The sound of metal shuffling ran like static in the background of the silence.

We said nothing, and listened to the soft, soothing chatter going on around us.

Though there was talking around us, the silence still remained.

It was almost as if the background noise were playing on a record in a silent room.

I flipped through my book till I resumed my reading.

Saya put her earphones in, and put her head down to rest between the space created by her folded arms.

We both sat in the silence, and tuned out, together.

I don't remember much about that day in particular - but I do remember this.

The serenity that I felt that morning, with the rain slowing outside and the chill locked behind closed doors with us.

Something about that morning was perfect, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

stream of consciousness #1

I don't want people to feel sorry for me - you know? I don't want to be looked down upon.

I am not dying, I'm just broken. But I'm picking myself up.

I'd like to think that people actually care but odds are they don't. And thats okay too.

Oh also I've gained 4 pounds.... and I'm feeling like a major fatass and I need to lose weight.

Big breakfast -> Small lunch -> tiny dinner

that is what I am starting next week.

I am so upset with myself. I need more isolation time because people just don't understand me. And I don't understand people or myself.

I have been eating way too much.

I have enough food in my belly to feed a tiny army.

I hate sleeping knowing my food isn't digested.

I am tired.

I want to read. I am looking forward to reading "The Fault In Our Stars", even though I don't know what it's about. I'm looking forward to it anyway, and will probably read it before it's due for summer reading.

Haha, I still can't believe I'm going to actually do the summer reading for once.

Real classes next year.....agh I'm not looking forward to that.

Do people really think I'm cynical and morbid? I wonder why.

Am I cynical and morbid?

I don't want to think any longer.

I want to read.

I want to know people care.

I want to know you care.

Do you think about me? I think about you all the time.

Would you give it a chance if I said I was sorry, and confessed?

Do I even need to confess?

I am free. I answer to no one.

But if you asked me, I would answer to you....

I don't want to be his friend any longer. I will not wait around to be summoned.

I don't want to think any longer. Goodbye.