You

My whole world with you is so fragile.

Moves are limited to either A or B, if any options are permitted at all.

Our situation forbids us from being even the slightest bit affectionate unless the curtains are drawn.

I am to be hidden from your world, as you are to be hidden from mine.

Except, not quite, though you don't know that.

I wish you could tell me how you really feel, but you'll never tell me - because thats not our deal.

Sometimes, though, I feel like you're not actually interested in me.

But I mean, it's almost foolish of me to think that you actually could be.

Think about it: a sixteen year old girl, still in high school, young, still childish.

What could you possibly want with that?

Albeit my maturity level being basically commensurate with yours, my age is still a factor whether people claim it is or isn't.
I get emotionally attached, and I think I like you.

You're breaking me so slowly and you haven't got the slightest clue.

But when I'm with you I just feel like I'm myself.

Or maybe I don't, we'll see.

New mindset

What do you want from me?

Do you want to hear me say that I'm insecure? Do you want me to show you that I'm desperate for your attention?

Why is it that people take so much pleasure in holding power over others? How does it benefit us in the end?

Other peoples' misery at our expense is definitely not something to be proud of.

So why do people allow themselves to be taken advantage of, and to be shown so little respect?

I don't understand why people are so trusting, to the point where they show all their cards and allow other's in so easily.

It's a dangerous thing, trusting people to take care of your secrets. Putting the hammer in their hands, but trusting them not to use it on your fragile heart. Trusting them to only help you, and to never harm you.

But the trouble with trust and showing someone all of you, is that 98% of the time, it bites you in the ass. Majority of the time you get double crossed or betrayed, or the value of the most honest version of yourself is undermined. Thats when people get hurt, and feel broken or weak. I won't ever show anyone all of me. It's too risky, and I know better. In this case, the odds are never in your favor - because there are so many shallow, rotten people out there. If you really want to be happy, keep the fragile parts to yourself. By sharing them, and allowing people in, you will feel relief, however in the end when they betray you and use this knowledge against you, all you will feel is regret and pain when they aren't the person you expected them to be. It is most people's nature to use the things they know will hurt you, against you. Regardless of how much they know you were risking by giving them that part of you.

I'm rambling here, but long story short - Don't ever show all your cards.

Your scent is like a drug

I hate when you can smell someone on you, but you don't know where.

And the smell is so wonderful, but it only whiffs by once you stop looking for it, once you stop thinking about it - it comes back and teases you with just a single sniff more.

Then it disappears again.

And the smell is so stimulating, so intoxicating, but there isn't enough of it for you to get high.

But you know that if you had that smell at it's source, it would make you crazy.

But not having it makes you crazy, too.

And all you want to do is inhale it for a few moments, to just embrace it for a little while, but you can't because it doesn't belong to you.

You still have no idea where this smell is coming from, but you keep smelling it each time you nearly forget about it. It reminds you that you will never be able to have it in your grasp, leaving with only a single whiff once again.

Your smell is so fucking intoxicating.

And you've got me wrapped around your fucking finger.

And I'm falling for you in slow motion.

But I'm just a friend to you.

I fucking hate myself sometimes, god damnit.

I am so tired of being compared to other people.

Comparison gets us no where, and teaches us nothing.

Every one is different, and no one should be judged compared to someone else.

I'm not a naturally skilled driver.

And yeah, I make mistakes. I fuck up, and I'm not denying it.

Whatever actually I thought I wanted to blog about it but I guess not now it's just pissing me off.

Fiction #2

Now for me, this was a turning point.

Something had led me to realize that, in that moment, I could trust her.

All I had to do was declare my loyalty, and I just knew she would be there forever.

It's like when you're terrified to do something, like say, jump off a high ledge into the ocean. At first you're hesitant because you're thinking of all the possible ways the situation could turn out badly. But it's once you finally stop thinking when you're able to take the leap and live for all of those 2 seconds you're free falling.

That feeling of satisfaction and trust you have in yourself, because of that relief that you're still alive and breathing - that's the feeling I had when I decided I could trust her.

Except, I looked at her with admiration and infatuation and she looked at me with compassion and pity.

To her, I was just a poor soul in need of her support.

But to me, she was a fallen star sent to me to help me find my way back to the person I once was.

Fiction

We walked down to the cafeteria in silence.

We sat down on an empty table in silence.

It was almost strange, because here, the cafeteria in the morning is really a peaceful place to be.

The sound of metal shuffling ran like static in the background of the silence.

We said nothing, and listened to the soft, soothing chatter going on around us.

Though there was talking around us, the silence still remained.

It was almost as if the background noise were playing on a record in a silent room.

I flipped through my book till I resumed my reading.

Saya put her earphones in, and put her head down to rest between the space created by her folded arms.

We both sat in the silence, and tuned out, together.

I don't remember much about that day in particular - but I do remember this.

The serenity that I felt that morning, with the rain slowing outside and the chill locked behind closed doors with us.

Something about that morning was perfect, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

stream of consciousness #1

I don't want people to feel sorry for me - you know? I don't want to be looked down upon.

I am not dying, I'm just broken. But I'm picking myself up.

I'd like to think that people actually care but odds are they don't. And thats okay too.

Oh also I've gained 4 pounds.... and I'm feeling like a major fatass and I need to lose weight.

Big breakfast -> Small lunch -> tiny dinner

that is what I am starting next week.

I am so upset with myself. I need more isolation time because people just don't understand me. And I don't understand people or myself.

I have been eating way too much.

I have enough food in my belly to feed a tiny army.

I hate sleeping knowing my food isn't digested.

I am tired.

I want to read. I am looking forward to reading "The Fault In Our Stars", even though I don't know what it's about. I'm looking forward to it anyway, and will probably read it before it's due for summer reading.

Haha, I still can't believe I'm going to actually do the summer reading for once.

Real classes next year.....agh I'm not looking forward to that.

Do people really think I'm cynical and morbid? I wonder why.

Am I cynical and morbid?

I don't want to think any longer.

I want to read.

I want to know people care.

I want to know you care.

Do you think about me? I think about you all the time.

Would you give it a chance if I said I was sorry, and confessed?

Do I even need to confess?

I am free. I answer to no one.

But if you asked me, I would answer to you....

I don't want to be his friend any longer. I will not wait around to be summoned.

I don't want to think any longer. Goodbye.

What this is about, I do not know.

I know that I'm going to be okay.

And that when I'm ready, my people will be there with open arms, welcoming me back.

But I'm starting to think that maybe the people that are going to be there, are not the people I want to be there.

But they are the people that I need.

I don't think I have a group of true "best" friends anymore, and I am curious to find out who I will spend the remainder of my high school experience hanging out with. Generally, I enjoy the company of most of the people in my class - however there are those days where I am just extremely intolerant and very impatient, and cannot stand to listen to idiots and irritating people talk.

I feel as though I'm already on my way back, but not because I am ready to come back.

It sort of feels like I'm being rushed back because people feel sorry for me and because I feel obligated to. I don't want to be back yet, though.

I mean I'm obviously not "emo" if I still talk to my friends and I still smile and laugh - I just prefer to be alone recently. No reason in particular, other than the fact that people really annoy me and I'm sick of feeling like I'm obligated to be nice to everyone. Because honestly, I feel like people take advantage of the fact that I'm a friendly and nice person, and that they allow themselves to be fake to slither into peoples' lives. But I'm not going to tolerate it anymore, I just kind of want to stop holding back and I just want to be able to say what I'm feeling without being judged.

And I know that you will say "I understand" or "I know what you mean" but to be honest - you just don't. I refuse to believe that anyone "understands". Because theres a difference between truly understanding, and saying the words "I understand" because it's the right thing to say and you feel obligated to in order to comfort someone.
People are different, people feel different things. Some people feel more holistically, and some people just skim the surface of feeling. I am one to feel with every drop of blood in my body, and through every inch of flesh and bone. Perhaps I even feel more than that.

But what I mean is that I am very different from any other girl anyone has ever met. I am in fact dramatic, but it's partially because of my extreme sensitivity. I am also shy, but kind hearted. I have only but good intentions, and I like to smile. I love storms and the rain, but I can appreciate a sunny day also. I'm an avid music lover, and though I'm an insomniac, I'm also a sleep enthusiast. I love love love food, but I'm so very picky. I like to laugh but often times I'm very sad. I get sad for no reason, and I cry over silly things. Too frequently I let other people influence my decisions, when I should really be living life for myself. I think more than anyone you know - and that is a promise. I am lazy, but extremely ambitious. I am the biggest walking paradox you will ever cross paths with.

I'd really like to keep going but my back is killing me so now I must go.

Perhaps I'll be back around lunch time.

People. Die.

What a cold, yet such a simple concept.

Coming to terms

I'm unhappy.

There, I said it. Are you happy now?

Because it sure as hell didn't make me feel any better saying it.

I'm unhappy.

I'm sad. I'm annoyed. I'm hurt. I'm depressed. I'm angry.

I'm just so fucking sick of everything - you know?

I hate people having power over me and I hate having to answer to people.

I just can't fucking wait till I can get the fuck off this island.

Yeah I know it seems all fucking dark and twisted - but it's just me. And I don't care what anyone thinks anymore.

"You aren't the Lauren I remember when we first met."

Well who's to say you even knew me at all? And who are you to judge whether I've changed or not. If you knew me at all, you'd know that I'm always changing and you just need to learn to get used to it.

I'd like to think that I'm fine and that I'm content, but the truth is I'm just not - and so I'm not going to sit around with a smile plastered across my face when people ask me if I'm "okay", because I'm just not. So why lie? I don't owe anyone an explanation, and it sure as hell isn't anyones business whether I'm unhappy or not and the reason behind it.

"Because I just am" should be reason enough.

Why do people often times like to involve themselves in other people's problems?
We should all just deal with our own shit. Thats kind of the point.

You suck it up, and cope with it.

I'm usually one to complain, but I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that crap happens, and you can't complain about it forever. At some point, you need to get off your ass and face your shit. Because if you don't, you're never going to get anywhere, and you sure as hell aren't gonna get any stronger. We need to make mistakes, so we can get up and try again.

Maybe no one will understand because they think I'm just a negative person, but it's my mentality. I can't help the way that I am, and I'm sorry if I'm bringing you down. Honestly, the only solution I can pose is to stay away from me - because I don't mean to make anyone feel shitty. But I don't expect anyone to try and make me feel any better either.

Because sometimes, there is really nothing you can do. And sometimes people just get overwhelmed with sadness & discontent. Sometimes there is no reason for it. And sometimes you just need to leave it alone until it passes over.

I know I'm not the same, thats pretty obvious.

But I'm still the same person inside. I just realized that theres no point in pretending anymore.

I'm sick of trying to please everyone, because that always ends in my own disappointment.

I try so hard to live up to everyone's expectations, that I forgot what it's like to enjoy myself.

I don't even know what happy is anymore. When was I happy? (If I was ever happy at all)

I'd like to think that life is great and perfect and people are fantastic but that would be one huge fucking fantasy.

You want the truth? Here's the truth:

People are assholes. People are mean, vile, destructive, heartless, cold, malicious beings. People don't care about anyone other than themselves, and people will always judge you - no matter what. You can tell yourself that there are perfect people out there, which there probably are - but only a handful. All in all, people suck. No one will understand, people will judge you, and you can't trust anyone.

I'd like to feel better I really would, but I just can't right now. I just need to be away for a while. I'll return as soon as possible, but I just need to find my place first. I'm just so lost in life right now and I'm not sure exactly who or what I'd like to be. But when I figure it out, I hope I feel better and will be back to normal.

I don't feel like thinking anymore, but I know I have not completed this thought.

For now, goodbye. I shall be back later.

Tomorrow perhaps.

I call this one "Fuck Everything: An Epiphany"

It's hard, you know. Being friends with people who are so very different from you.
It's hard to please everyone, and it's damn hard to "be yourself" when you aren't even the slightest bit sure of who "yourself" really is.

I'd like to think that highschool is easy. You know: get in, do homework and take a few tests, get out. But it's so much more difficult than that.

Theres lunch: the only permitted social gathering of the day where you can talk about whatever you want, and do whatever you want (as long as you don't get caught). You can interact with your friends and other social groups, or you can study or sit alone. It's all up to you. But it's periods like these that develop you as an adolescent.

Theres also pre & post class congregations. Where everyone sits in their social groups and just kicks back until they need to go to class, sports, etc. Get in with the right group, and you'll be just fine.

Not to mention class time: where your social standing is put to the test - and you see who wants to sit near you and be paired with you. Here, it's either you're friends with the cool kids or you're not - there's truly only two very blurry groups.

Now I know we'd all like to think that no one actually cares what you do "cause yolo" or what fucking ever - but that shit is obviously false. EVERY ONE CARES. Don't ask me why, but everyone cares, and everyone is ALWAYS watching.

"I heard she got drunk" "what, she drinks?" "I heard he raped a girl" "oh my god I didn't know he was like that" "Have you heard?" "You didn't know?"

Everyone likes something juicy to talk about. Why? Because it's so much more interesting than talking about their own mistakes.

I'd like to think that highschool is easy, but everything you do is judged, and it seems like you're the only one who ever slips up and that everyone else is perfect.

You know what though? You know what the worst of the worst is?

When people think you're perfect, and they build up this high image of you in their heads - but then you turn out to be a disappointment in not being all that they expected. Honestly, I can't help but think that that is unfair. I mean I am extremely flattered that people think so highly of me, but keeping up your reputation is a pain and honestly I just don't fucking want to deal with it anymore.

Fuck school, fuck social standards, fuck people, fuck friends, and fuck reputations.

I don't give a shit anymore and I am so relieved to finally be able to say that I honestly do not give a shit anymore. People can talk all they fucking want, but I'm not gonna let that shit bother me anymore.

And I'm so fucking sick and tired of trying to be nice to people that I don't actually like. Maybe if you were real or not a complete bitch, I wouldn't have a reason to dislike you.

Fuck trying to please people and tip-toeing around people's feelings, because honestly where is that going to get you in life? In the real world, no one gives a damn whether you are sensitive or not. They tell it like it is and could care less about your feelings.
I'm so tired of having to work toward getting an A, when honestly why should a little letter on a piece of paper determine whether you are smart or not? Half the shit you learn in school you will NEVER need in life - so why don't we spend our time learning life skills instead of useless things like how to solve for X and how chemical bonds are formed? Only about 1% of people will go into a job that requires knowledge like that - because the rest of us will probably go into something like retail or manual labor where none of that even counts. And when you're the head of the company, with people below you doing all the work - all you really need to do is sit there and look nice which is what is so ironic and mind-boggling.

I'm going off on a tangent, but back to my main point - fuck everything I used to be because I don't give a shit anymore! I'm gonna do what I want and stop being so concerned about what people think, because honestly I'm probably never going to see anyone after highschool and I'll be able to start over anyways.