rant

I feel so weird. I just got the chills and I seriously don't want to be here. I don't want to live in Hawaii and I seriously need to get away from here. It's making me so stressed out and I just want to live in a different country where the rules are different and the people are different and i can just start fresh and not care about whats happened in my past and build myself from scratch. I know I just recently recreated myself but I feel like I need to do it again. It's weird, like I don't dislike who I am/who I've created myself to be, I just want to be something else. But I guess thats the saddest part and I think my expectations are too high for myself and I'll never be satisfied and I think I'll keep recreating myself until I finally realize my goal is unachievable. I just want to be enough for myself.

the Epiphany of the girl stuck in the Well

In my head I lived at the bottom of a well. A dull world, where everything was always in the black. It was dark and silent and not somewhere I wanted to be. I so desperately wanted to go back and relive the days in which I felt most alive. Because in my world, lately I have just felt tangled. I wanted to break free and move on but these inextricable knots just wouldn't have that. And no matter how hard I tried - the more I struggled the tighter the knots became. Every time I thought I was close to the top I always fell right back down to the bottom. I was waiting for someone to save me and all I could do was cry every night because I was just too tangled and too far down. But one day, I saw my reflection and I saw a light. The first light I've seen since I fell down that well and I realized that I am saviour I'm waiting for. If I got in by myself, I could get out by myself. And suddenly everything was colored and my world was bright and I untangled myself and climbed right out into a more beautiful world - leaving memories of the well behind me.

Walk a mile in my shoes

I have been walking miles, and I promise you that these troubles are more than I can bear. I can feel my knees starting to give in but I promised myself that I wouldn't let that happen. Because everyone is waiting to see me fall and I just owe it to myself to keep on going. I am flourishing and I am thriving. And the weight I need to carry with me gets heavier by the second but I know that I will make it. I will prove everyone wrong. And so I walk miles more but I can still feel the aching in my knees. If only someone knew how heavy I am being weighed down and how my legs feel. I want so badly to just fall and cry and never continue on, but I know that this is the race of life, and I will continue on. Among the world, I will prove that I am not so small.

Across the River

I just stood there, and for a second time froze. And I couldn't help but tear up because I wanted to live forever. And I know thats so stupid and cilche but I honestly did. At that moment I thought that it definitely could not be any worse than dying in the next few weeks. I was terrified and I just wanted to leave town. I wanted to take my boat and travel across that river where maybe I had a whole seperate world waiting there for me. But I knew that that just wasn't the case and it was probably just more trees and bushes just as things were on this side of the river. But it was just nice to let my imagination run and think up a few of the infinite possibilities. I wish that when I walked past the first layer of trees my secret hideout was waiting for me. But it wasn't. It was just trees, and I was still dying sometime this month. And time continued to roll on and so did I.

I am alone

Hot tears began to flow out of my tear ducts and my fists clenched and I just felt like dropping and breaking something. Why couldn't I fit in? I was frustrated and I just couldn't understand, no matter how hard I tried to. I wanted to feel how everyone else feels and I wanted just for once to not care about anything. I always act like I could care less about everyone and everything but inside I am stressing over every little thing. And no one understands and no one ever will. So I hate when people say that they know what I mean because they just don't. If they did, they would be stressing over not fitting in too. I just wanted to have a boyfriend and be happy and get good grades and be pretty and thin like all the other girls. And I want to be perfect. I want people to like me. I am terrified of the rejection and I just couldn't handle anyone ever thinking little of me. Because in my dreams I am the saviour, I am the queen and I am great. I'm perfect and no one else ever questions me and everyone looks up to me and I'm beautiful. I don't care if it hurts. I just want to be perfect.

We float like cable cars

The cable car caught the breeze well. And the sun was departing and the dawn was approaching and I just felt warmth. I just felt safe and I knew that I wanted to be with you. I felt comfortable and at peace and I knew that I wanted you to be there for me, always. But your mind was far off and mine was stuck in a box being shipped from place to place. And you were humming my favorite song and you were looking over the edge and you were perfect any more than I could ask for and I couldn't understand how. And I thought of all the possible thoughts you could be thinking and I wondered if you could maybe love me too. It would have been the perfect moment to kiss you but I didn't because my body wouldn't let me. And I was becoming overwhelmed so I just let my mind go so it could float with you.

Keep me close

I don't know if she could feel it, but hopefully she could. I suspect she could because she acted rather strange. I was there and I was with her. She could not see it, but I pray that she could feel it. I so desperately wanted to just touch her and to just talk to her and tell her how much I missed her and that I still loved her and I wanted to tell her about the after life. And I shouted but she still sat in her silence. She had such a pretty face and she was the best person I knew. I just wanted to tell her that theres no need to feel alone because I am still here. I will always be here and I will wait for her forever if she would only let me and if she only knew. She could break my heart so easily and it scared me. She was everything and I was nothing, and when I died my heart still belonged to her. She still has it to this day.

I wish I'd die tonight just so I could get to You

That day I remembered you. But not how I remember you every other day, because I promise I think of you everyday. I remembered you and I remembered us. And I remembered how much it hurt to let go and how pain dripped so slowly from your eyes as you told me it wouldn't be too long till we'd be together again. But you were wrong. Because everyday I am here living without you, every minute, every second, week, month, and year - is just more than I can bear. And I miss you every day and I just wish you were here and I wish we had more time because I had bigger plans for us. I remembered how you used to go out into the fields on the country side and just lay there and breath in the earth and exhale satisfaction. So I stood out in that same field. I remembered how you were sick but you were happy and I was happy as long as you were happy. Well back then I was trying to be anyway, but its hard knowing you wouldn't be here with me forever like we planned. You said it would just be like putting forever on pause until I meet you again and I just cannot wait to see that day and to see your face again. I remembered you that day like I hadn't remembered you before. Like you were there with me and things were all as they had always been years ago.

Taught by a tree

And we just stood completely still - and we simply lived. I read about the tree that stood in front of us, and I just thought to myself how life would be if I were a tree, if I were that tree.

Even though it is far from the others, it is probably always overlooked. Even though it is given space to shine, it just can't shine bright enough to get people to notice. In that moment I was that tree, and I was lonely and sick and tired. I just wanted to do something elaborate and be more than just alive, even though alive is more than I could ever ask for. I wanted to live in the most extravagant sense of the word and I wanted to be young and have a day to relive the day I lost you.

Waiting

I feel like the whole world is moving forward, and I'm just standing still in all the chaos and progression.

I want to move with them too, but I just can't. It's like I'm stuck, and I'm struggling to move.

I just can't. And I'm waiting for someone to take me with them so we can move forward together.

Modern Day Screams

original poem for my english project-

Laziness keeps their bodies alive.

Contemptuous children, malicious minds.

Trading appreciation for expectation,

ah, you know the kind.

Catastrophic deaths, many self concluded

Rational notion off a hit of the potion.

Tempted to act with the absence of thought,

the plague of oblivious destruction this generation has caught.

All our desires, being steered by greed.

It's what we want, but not what we need.

Were glutton or starving, excessive or thin.

We'll do whatever it takes to win.

Material goals and material girls.

Why have the intellects fleed from the world?

Brain isn't beauty, its all upside down.

It's too late to turn their minds around.

Self-induced problems

our minds have left behind.

Buried deeper than the sea,

never to be seen.

A constant race for glory is always around

the sweet smell of victory keeps us in stride

We've fallen into limbo, but were lit with pride.

Drowning in a bitter sadness, frustrated souls.

Yet suicide has gotten old.

Never understood, always in hiding.

A slit of the wrist is always inviting.

Stubborn as mules

inadequately taught.

Lost in technologic waves of broadcasted thought.